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The Light at the End of 2020: How a Home Renovation Overhauled my Heart

2020 sure turned up the heat.
All the negative in me seemed to boil to the surface.
It’s painful to have weaknesses you’ve been pushing down or ignoring, suddenly.. exposed.
But after months of feeling frustration and fear—
Judgement and despair—
I am humbled to share how God answered our prayers.
He worked mighty miracles that, today, I am a witness of.

In case you needed a reminder,

People are good.
Angels are among us.
Jesus loves us.

The first much needed shift took place in my prayers.
From “help me” to “help me see”.
Help me see the suffering of those around me.
Help me see and appreciate the good and beautiful.
Help me see the opportunities to share what we have.
Help me see the perspective of another.

I remembered a principle God had taught me.
He won’t always change my circumstances..
But He is anxious and eager to change my perspective.

Shortly after this shift—and by no coincidence—
Jackie’s “Christmas for Cancer Families” effort came to our attention.
It was apparent this was the opportunity we were praying for.

A Home filled with Light providing safety from the dark world.
“Home” by Amber Eldredge @thecoloramber

The first miracle was the faith of the Augustines.
They would have to be vulnerable in such an intimate way..
Allow complete strangers into their home and hearts.
They didn’t know what the outcome would be..
and extended remarkable trust to our naive little family.
All while their son was sick.
Between chemo treatments and hospital stays,
They were willing to take a leap of faith.
Beautiful.

The second miracle was the volunteers.
As word spread about our project..
The hungry just came.
They came to feast and be filled on the joy that only service brings.
We were shocked that not only did people show up—
They gave their all.
They brought their friends.
They recognized needs and filled in gaps.
They fundraised products and services.
They embraced the long days and late nights.
Then they would leave and thank us for giving them the opportunity.
Remarkable.

The third miracle was the sub contractors.
We brought talent out of retirement..
Young moms and booked professionals.
These people didn’t have time — but they made time.
They didn’t work when it was convenient for them,
But when it was absolutely essential for us to complete this project.
Workdays, nights and weekends included.
They worked on top of each other,
In small spaces and tight timelines.
We gutted and reconstructed an entire house in 10 days.
Incredible.

The behind-the-scenes miracle was the babysitters.
I am a full-time mom and rarely leave my kids—
Almost 4 and 2 years old.
They are accustomed to my attention and focus.
Needless to say, this project was definitely a challenge for us..
And especially difficult for my baby.
Grandparents, aunts, and cousins subbed in and took over.
They kindly dealt with the grumpy, sleep deprived, over-indulged little monsters—
They helped them enjoy a hectic and confusing minute in their lives.
Merciful.

The next miracle was the angels.
They found what was lost.
Opened doors that were closed.
Mended hearts that were broken.
Have you ever wondered how God answers billions of prayers?
Obviously through the living around us..
But I am a witness He also sends his angels.
For me, during this project, it was primarily Riley.
(Jackie’s son who died earlier this year from cancer.)
Although we never met physically,
I felt as though we tag teamed the entire mission.
Phenomenal.

The last miracle is also the first.
Jesus.
As the scriptures say,
“in Christ there should come every good thing” (Moroni 7:22).
He is the reason people are good.
He is the reason angels are sent.
He is the reason life (and cancer) is not the end..
we will all LIVE AGAIN.
Our advocate, brother, Redeemer, healer.
Let us always remember Him.
That He lives and loves us.
The pure love of Christ has the power to fundamentally change us.
To change the world.
Bring His light into the darkness and love your neighbor.
Or a stranger.
The future is bright wherever you carry His light.

If you didn’t see the video of the makeover, you can watch above.

If you would like to be a part of future Uplift Missions you can sign up at https://upliftmission.com/

The Joy of Living in Principle

How do you feel when you wake up each morning?
Like you can’t wait to welcome the new day??
Or does dread give you a good slap as consciousness surfaces?

Dread has prevailed upon me too many mornings the last few months.
(How many days can I really entertain these kids??
With nowhere to go, nothing to do and no one to see?)

I have had to learn the hard way, once again,
that I can’t let circumstances dictate my feelings—
or I’ll waste a whole lot of life in misery.
I have to look beyond circumstance and search for
PRINCIPLE.
Peace. Progression. Perspective.
Meaning. Rest. Connection.
Confidence. Love. Joy.
These are principles I find myself consistently longing for.
When I write them down,
it seems obvious I’m probably not unique in my longings.
Isn’t that what most of us desire?

The great and terrible thing about humanity,
Is that we have the power to invite those principles to work in our lives..
Or the power to deny them and suffer the consequences.

I have had times and seasons where I have become a bystander..
Allowing life to happen to me.
As Uchtdorf says,
“Preferring comfort and ease over growth and progress.”
Being a victim of circumstance rather than an agent of action.

Although that can seem, at first, easy and enticing..
There is no peace, nor progression.
There is a skewed and tainted perspective.
I lack meaning and struggle to find motivation and purpose.
I spin my wheels without satisfaction,
Taking away the thrill and rejuvenation of intentional rest.
Anxiety overwhelms my capacities
And connection becomes improbable,
If not impossible.
I am filled with insecurity and self-loathing—
Crippling my ability to love deeply,
Or experience true joy and fulfillment.

I have also had times and seasons where I have chosen to engage with life.
To “incline [my] heart to God”.
To seek truth.
To develop talents.
To serve.
To welcome new experiences.
To repent.
To live in gratitude.
To work.
To be present in each moment.
To laugh.
To endure hardship with character.
To forgive.
To sing, in essence,
“I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.”
(Invictus, William Ernest Henley)

Have you felt the thrill of living in principle?

My first year of college was a season I chose to do so.
Untapped potential ached in me,
I regretted letting fear hold me back from thriving.
So I made up my mind to evolve.
To embrace the impressions that came.
As a result, I signed up for a Singing 101 class.

I thought it would be like choir—
Where we are given some sheet music and rehearse as a group.
I discovered during my first class that it was more of a soloist endeavor..
Which seemed unconcerning to the 20 or so other students.
I quickly realized this was because they were all, at least, average singers.
I, however, was practically tone deaf.

Our first assignment was to choose a hymn that we would perform a cappella.
I probably practiced that song 1,000 times.
I realized that, if I could just hit the first note,
I could stay (for the most part) on pitch for the rest of the song.
But if I began a little flat or sharp,
It was impossible for my untrained ear to recover.

As I walked up to face my first performance,
I panicked.
Projecting my imminent doom in my mind..
I can’t do this. I’m going to fail.
The first note wasn’t just flat—
But so horrendously off that it shocked me the moment it left my mouth.
From then on, I wished I could crawl under a rock and die.
Sweat started from every pore.
My voice cracking and shrieking as I fumbled through verse after verse.
My body shaking like an old washing machine.
All the while, involuntary tears streaming down both cheeks.
It felt like the same humiliation experienced in every naked nightmare.

I thought about never going back.
Taking the failing grade and hoping I never saw any of those faces again.
But after it was all over,
And I realized I was still alive..
Something strange and new overtook me,
And I decided, I had never felt so alive!
Despite the horror, the adrenaline and humiliation was also..
Thrilling.
I did something hard.
Something I never imagined I’d do,
but always wished I would.
And the greatest truth of it all—
I could only go UP from there.

I showed up.
Again and again.
I tried.
Again and again.
I embarrassed myself.
Again and again..
But progress, however microscopic, did happen.

For our final performance of the year,
I chose the song, “I Won’t Give Up” by Jason Mraz.
It seemed fitting, an anthem to my efforts.
I didn’t invite any of my family or friends like the rest of the class..
But I got on that stage and owned my performance.
I’m sure that it was pitchy and less than mediocre.
But I felt like a champion!
My entire class jumped to their feet and gave me a standing ovation..
Not because of any skill,
just because of the growth, confidence, and effort.
They supported me through my struggle and cheered me on.
I couldn’t suppress the joy of that moment.
I floated off the stage with a wide smile on my face.

It has become one of my most most cherished memories.
I learned then, and countless times since then,
it is always worth pursuing my impressions.
The inclinations we have to develop ourselves and help others..
are DIVINE.
They are the reason we exist.
We are that we might have joy, (2 Nephi 2:25)
that we might become as God is.
This thrilling, ascending journey is discipleship.
The richest journey life can offer.
A journey in principle.

What have you put off, quit, ignored or avoided because of fear?

“If you hesitate in this adventure because you doubt your ability, remember that discipleship is not about doing things perfectly; it’s about doing things intentionally. It is your choices that show what you truly are, far more than your abilities.” -Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Are you everything you could be?
What is holding you back?

Two scriptures about the Savior have struck me lately—
I sense that if I could just believe and embrace these principles,
my life would change significantly
I could become a “new creature” (2 Cor. 5:17)
filled with all the longings of my heart.

“I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.” (John 10:10)

The divinity within us longs for the abundant life Christ offers.
Our spirit knows all that we could be,
Just as Christ and our Heavenly Parents know.
They are all inviting us on the journey of discipleship..
Because that is where abundance is found.
And the beauty is, it is available to all of us, all the time.
No matter our pain, sins, weaknesses or regrets.
We have the power to live in principle, because of Jesus Christ.
Because of His atonement.

“He is the light and the life of the world; yea, a light that is endless, that can never be darkened; yea, and also a life which is endless, that there can be no more death.” (Mosiah 16:9)

Art by Yongsung Kim

I love this depiction of the Savior!
A light and life that is endless..
The word endless implies so much.
Obviously, His eternal nature and glory.
But also, with an endless supply of light and life..
He has SO MUCH he can offer EVERY ONE OF US.
Christ is a resource that can’t be exhausted or expired.
Isn’t it remarkable that we all have access to
perfect love,
unfathomable light,
eternal life?

Why aren’t we using this great atoning gift more fully and intentionally?

Maybe we doubt.
Maybe we’re afraid.
Maybe we don’t believe that power could really apply to us.
Maybe we don’t want to let go of sin.
Maybe we lack the desire.
Maybe we prefer comfort and ease.
Maybe we don’t know how.

Whatever holds you back,
know that it can be overcome with the help of the Master.
“[We] can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth [us].” (Philippians 4:13)
Discipleship is worth every effort.
Your abundant life, “Your Great Adventure”, is calling.

I invite you to accept Uchtdorf’s invitation.
“Incline Your Hearts to God”
Pray, seek, study..
Answers will come through the words of prophets,
ancient and modern
and through the Holy Ghost.
You will know where to begin and how to move forward.

His promise,
“Along the way you will discover yourself.
You will discover meaning.
You will discover God.
You will discover the most adventurous and glorious journey of your life.”

This was a lesson I wrote for my church Sisters,
based off of the following talk “Your Great Adventure”
by Dieter F. Uchtdorf.

You can read it by following the link below.

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/general-conference/2019/10/media/6092703651001?lang=eng

Repentance Brings Heaven Home

Having my second baby has brought motherhood to a new level of intensity.
Higher highs and lower lows.
Our days consist of constant feeding, changing, nursing, dressing, playing, sleeping, crying, burping, persuading, cooking, praying, cleaning..
On the days that I have eyes to see the beauty around me,
There’s so much joy.
But I can’t always see clearly.
Those are the times I feel stuck on low.

Last week was one of those times.
Partly because we tried to add potty training to our hectic, yet monotonous, schedule.
It was going pretty well until, of course, Kira decided she didn’t “like” the potty anymore.
An abrupt digression resulted.
I bought some Cadbury eggs to sit as temptation on the counter..
An open reward to the willing potty go-er.

She was ultimately unfazed.
The eggs just became mom’s treat.
A small reward between my newborn’s countless dirty diapers and Kira’s consistent accidents.
After 3 days of very little success and very large loads of laundry..
I was exhausted, chocolate sick, stir crazy—
and starting to believe motherhood was a pretty poopy job.

My husband, sensing my distress, told me to take a break and go to the temple.
As I was drove there,
I vented to the Man upstairs about how tired I was.
About how I felt like I was drowning.
About how sometimes the days seemed too hard and too long..
Especially when my newborn filled nights weren’t even my own.
Then how guilty I felt that sometimes I was admittedly sad and frustrated.
Wishing time away..
When this motherhood thing was exactly what I’d always hoped and prayed for.

The worst part of my episode was that, deep down,
I knew that I was actually the problem.
That there was nothing wrong with my life, my circumstances, or my children.
My negative feelings were simply proof of my raw, flawed nature.
My inability to see clearly.
My dire need to change.
I knew that if I was just more selfless, patient, grateful, inspired..
I would be fulfilled in my journey.
Even, and especially, in the “poopy” now.

I had a decision to make.
Was I going to face my deep rooted flaws and take ownership of my negative feelings?
Or was I going to continue to play the victim?
The overworked, under appreciated, often-failing mother.

I’m trying to own my faults.

It hurts because I have to admit what to God what’s wrong with me.
And even worse..
That I ultimately lack the strength, and sometimes even the desire, to change.

I entered the temple feeling a little hopeless—
But as I started to serve, I was reminded of the covenants that I’ve made with my Father in Heaven.
That my promises to Him actually bind me to His perfect Son.
Although I’m weak and selfish,
I have been gifted power through Christ to become more.
More like Him.
And with Him, I cannot fail.

Parenthood is the Lord’s work.
A part of it anyway..
Losing our lives in His work will bring LIFE.

“For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.” -John 16:25

It doesn’t happen all at once.
But piece by piece we see..
As piece by piece we change.
I catch glimpses of eternity when I repent,
And allow Christ to teach me how to be more heavenly.
Repentance brings heaven home.

family picture

Learning to “Love Myself” as a Mother

Loving and trusting myself are two things that I constantly struggle to do as a mother.
It’s easy for me to go to bed feeling like a failure.
I recount all that happened in terms of moods, sharing, nutrition, naps…
And all my efforts seem horribly inadequate.
I question if I’m disciplining right…
Too much? Not enough?
Are my expectations too high? Too low?
Was I too distracted? Or too indulgent?

Unfortunately, the answer that usually comes is a disheartened…
“I don’t even know.”
Followed by…
“I’m probably ruining my child.”
“I’m the worst… why did I think I could do this.”

I’m due with my second baby in just a few short weeks,
And this year, I can’t help but think about Mary.
Was she ever afraid?
Overwhelmed?
Unsure and insecure because of her own inadequacies?

When the angel appears to Mary
The Annunciation
I feel an immense weight to raise well the children God has given me.
What could she have felt raising His literal Son?
That perfect, most influential and essential Son…

Mary holding the Christ child

My friend Tanner Townsend just released a song called “Love Yourself.”
I love the lyrics.
They describe so simply what I’ve found best reassures and sustains me…
And what I assume gave Mary the strength and courage to fulfill her remarkable role as the Mother of Christ.

Prayer.
Prayer invites the spirit into our lives…
And as we hear that “still small voice” we begin to know that God is near—
That we are infinitely precious to Him and His perfect Son.
That although we may not know how to do and be all that we feel called to in life…
He loves, trusts and believes in us,
So maybe it’s time for us to start doing the same.

I’m slowly coming to know that my flaws are forgivable.
My mistakes make me teachable.
And God’s trust in me proves me capable.

Prayer has brought heightened vision and hope for the mother I am and can be.

So You Think Looking Sexy Will Make You Happy?

We live in a culture that sells sex, self-absorption and vanity;
That believes a woman’s worth is based on her beauty and body.
Society also tells us that “beautiful” has been distinctly defined as one specific look.
So we pay insane amounts of money to fill, tuck, pluck and shape…
Invest ridiculous hours at the gym,
Obsess over portions, diets, fashion and fads,
All to look EXACTLY THE SAME as everyone else.
Is that psychotic or what?

For years, I bought in.
I believed that I would be desirable if I could fit this unrealistic ideal of “beautiful”…
And obtaining that ideal would make me blissfully happy.
I tried so hard, stressed so much, and invested all my best efforts.
Cheerleading photo
After my second year of college, I thought that I had finally arrived.
I had landed the boy of my dreams,
We were making plans to get married and I was completely in love.
We had the date, the ring, the dress…
When, one day, my boyfriend called the whole wedding off.
To say I was devastated… is a bit of an understatement.
I felt an immense sense of failure.
If I had just been more beautiful, more fit, more fun…
Maybe this wouldn’t have happened.
Maybe he still would’ve wanted me.

In trying so hard to prove I was “worth it,”
I forgot what really gave me worth.
And it wasn’t until I was rejected by the person I loved most,
That I finally woke up and realized I had been poisoned.
I bought into the lie society sells…
And it only left me anxious, broken, empty and unfulfilled.
Anything but blissful, or even remotely happy.

So I sought the opposite of everything the world advertised.
I signed up to be a full-time missionary for my church,
And three months later, found myself sweating my face off in the Philippines.

My life, up to this point, had largely revolved around me.
My comfort, my preferences, my family, my friends, my needs, my enjoyment.
And suddenly I was stripped of everything comfortable… or even familiar.
I was showering out of a freezing bucket,
Being eaten alive by mosquitos,
Living with girls I couldn’t relate to or even communicate with,
Eating what looked like raw meat over rice for breakfast,
Hand washing all my dishes and clothes,
Waking up to cockroaches scurrying up my neck,
Tromping through muddy jungles,
Spending sleepless nights melting during the frequent power outages,
And wishing… more than anything…
That I could just talk to my mom on the phone for five minutes.

I began to recognize that if I continued focusing on myself,
I would not survive. I would give up and go home.
So I did the only thing that seemed logical at that point.
I tried to see beyond my own pain, loneliness, and frustration…
And, immediately, something magical began to happen.
I started to fall in love with the Filipino people.
Their success, progression and fulfillment became more important than my own.
Serving them became my greatest passion, focus and privilege.
And so every day for the next year and half—
I did my best to forget myself and give them all my love and attention.

Fast forward to the end of my mission, when home was just weeks away.
I wore the same worn and raggy clothes I had hand-scrubbed since I started,
Complimented by rubber, muddy Crocs.
A balding bun held what was left of my hair,
With the remains of what make-up hadn’t melted off my salty face.
My constant diet of rice had settled plumply in my cheeks and belly.

I was riding home in the cab of a tricycle
(A little buggy pulled by a man on a motor bike),
Holding our groceries for the week on my lap,
Raw fish/meat dripped blood and other mystery liquids down my legs.
I physically looked (and smelled) probably the worst I ever had in my life…
But as I was bouncing home,
I looked up and caught a glimpse of myself in the cab mirror.
And I couldn’t look away.
My countenance was shining so bright it literally shocked me.
There was a tangible light bursting out of me…
So radiant and brilliant
That, for the first time in my life, I said to myself,
“I am so beautiful. I am so beautiful.”

A picture of my most beautiful day

In that moment, I saw my true identity.
My essence.
My power, light, spirit, intelligence, potential.
And it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.
The most beautiful me.
I knew in that moment exactly who I was…
Where I came from,
My purpose in life,
Where I wanted to go.
And the most overwhelming peace and joy filled my soul.

“Constant concern about the self is bondage. Self-forgetfulness is freedom.” -C. Terry Warner
Everything that society sold had brought me bondage.
Bondage to my insecurities, anxieties, fears and frustrations.
But forgetting about myself and being consumed in the service of others had brought freedom.
Freedom from all the pain, worry and stress.
Freedom to have eyes to see.
Freedom to love, help, hope and heal.

I know where true identity comes from.
I know how to unlock it.
And it is my greatest passion to help others do the same.
So if you are struggling to understand and love who you really are…
Join us on the Embracing Essence journey!!
The world needs truth.
The world needs you.

TODAY IS THE LAST DAY TO JOIN OUR CONFIDENCE CAMP!! Follow the link below to register!

https://embracingessence.lpages.co/confidence-camp-1/

Healing Habits of Gossip and Judgment

“What is most personal is most universal.” -Carl R. Rogers
I’ve experienced a hard and humbling change over the past year..
Which I had no intention of writing about.
But if it’s possible for someone to learn something from my mistakes,
I decided it’s worth being vulnerable.

I have struggled with gossiping and being judgmental.
The most interesting thing about this character flaw of mine,
Is that I was largely unaware of it until recently.
I specifically remember the day that my husband pointed out my unhealthy habit..
I was obsessing over some issue with some friend,
Stressing about her and chatting with others about my concern.
Park said something to the effect of..
If you feel so riled about this, why not talk to her instead of behind her back?
And if you can’t talk to her, then you shouldn’t be saying anything at all..

Wow.
His words stung as consciousness and guilt surfaced.
I pushed back for some time,
I felt as though I could never actually confront the issue.
Any issue.
I didn’t have the courage.
Park told me if I couldn’t talk to her, it was time to let it go.

Unfortunately,
Gossip is like sweet poison.
It’s draw is powerful.
I started trying to catch and control myself..
Yet, again and again, I found the irresistible words escaping my lips.
They burned with satisfaction for only a moment,
Then disappointment and regret.

Awareness and repentance did bring a slow progress.
But the problem of “letting it go” remained.
I couldn’t.
There were people in my life that said or did things that upset me..
And I couldn’t forget or move on.
So I decided to try confronting situations, rather than ignoring them.

This brought a storm that I was completely unprepared for.
I hurt and offended people that I love.
They expressed that they felt as if I didn’t really know them..
How funny that I had initially felt so justified in my own cause-
But again, found myself in the wrong.
Caught in self-deception.
All this negative feedback brought a great humbling and enlightening to my life.
There are a couple crucial things I learned.

One. Gossip is poison and I want to rid my life of it.

Two. 99% of the time, it isn’t my place to correct anyone else..
(With the exception of my husband and children)

Three. My critical feelings of others is merely a reflection of the impossible expectations I have set for myself.
My capacity for love is limited by self-love.

Four. If I can change my thoughts to focus on positive rather than negative attributes,
I can feel a more genuine love for all.
The good becomes the focus and, with a little compassion and understanding, the seemingly “bad” melts away.

Five. Sincere prayer and a penitent heart expedite progress.
Christ can loan me (and all of us) some of His perfect love if we’ll just ask for it.

Last. That’s what my essence, or true self, has been trying to teach me all along.
I am enough.
We are all on the same team.
I can be a builder and a lifter,
Instead of a gossiper and criticizer.
I can change the way I see myself,
And consequently, my view of those around me.
I can withhold judgement and extend compassion.
I can love more unconditionally.
More like the Master.

Moroni 7:45 And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
48 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love..

One of my all time favorite quotes says..
“There are two types of people in this world; those that we love and those that we do not yet know.” -Unknown

I honestly believe that if we will just take time to
Listen, understand, and truly see
Those that we don’t agree with
Or those that frustrate, irritate and offend us..
We will be able to rid ourselves of negative feelings,
Replacing them with compassion and genuine love.
We can let go.
We can be free..
And by consequence, confident and happy.

A Letter to My Daughter About Her Body

Before you were born, or even growing in my belly,
I had so many fears.
Some of my worries were for me,
And some were for you.
Surprisingly, many of those fears revolved around bodies.

There are two kinds of body fears..
The helpful kind,
And the ugly kind.
I had both.

The moment I knew you were living inside me,
My helpful worries felt like this—
Am I getting enough water today?
My muscles need to be worked out so they can be strong..
Did I take my vitamins?
What can I eat that will give me energy?
I need good sleep so my mind is active and awake..
Am I doing too much and causing my body stress?
What can I do to avoid getting sick?
What should I not eat or do to make sure my baby is safe?
I need to prepare myself and my home for her arrival..

My ugly worries felt like this—
What will I look like after I’m finished with pregnancy?
I am getting so fat.
Will my stomach ever recover?
WHY THE ACNE??
What if my baby dies? Or has severe health problems?
I don’t know if I can handle her getting sick..
Will I ever be attractive again?
There’s so much that can go wrong with a child..
How will I protect her from every harm?
Ohhhhhhhhhhh no. Stretch marks.
Don’t post any pictures of my swollen self.

Helpful worries make us strong, healthy and prepared.
Ugly worries make us weak, insecure and self-consumed.

I wish that you would never have ugly worries about bodies, your own or anyone else’s.
I never want you to obsess over your size or shape,
Or hate anything about what you are.
I never want stress to overwhelm or debilitate you,
When there are parts of being human,
(like sickness and death)
That we just can’t control.
I have lived far too much of my life with the ugly worries.
I am trying so much to change.
To see myself differently..
To trust that hoping and preparing is better than
doubting and obsessing.
I am trying to change for you.
So that you could somehow avoid all the ugly..
But I know that despite my desire to protect you,
You will have times when you feel it too.

When you do, my beautiful daughter,
Please remember this—

The most shocking thing to me about pregnancy,
Was the fact that your growth and development was unconscious for me.
I just had to be healthy myself and take care of my own needs..
But you were built piece by piece IN MY BODY..
Without any thought from me.
While I slept, while I studied, while I played..
You developed a heart that beats,
A mind that thinks,
Arms and legs that work and move,
Eyes that see,
A mouth that tastes and talks..
Isn’t it just fantastic??
A complete miracle.
Your body was created inside of mine..
And you know what?
I will love my body forever for giving me the thing I love most in life..
YOU.

And my oh my..
Your body!!
As I watched you this first year of life..
You changed EVERY DAY right before my eyes.
Your growth and development fills me with awe and wonder.
At birth, you could only cry, suck and poop with that tiny, helpless frame.
Now you can run, laugh, play, smooch, imagine..
It’s amazing how quickly your body adapts and changes.
What a beautiful and wonderful tool!!

Between God and myself,
There was a lot of sacrifice that went into giving you your body.
It is truly a blessing and a gift.
Helpful worries will allow you to treat it as such..
Ugly ones won’t.
I hope that you will see your body with all the awe and wonder that I do..
And learn to love every part of you,
Not because of how you look, but because of what you can do.
I hope you will care for yourself to prepare for the future..
But let go of the fears that bodies break down, age and die..
Because Christ made sure that we would all be made alive again.

I promise I wouldn’t ask you to do these things if I wasn’t also asking them of myself.
I hope by the time you read this letter,
You know your mother as a strong, confident, healthy and hopeful woman..
Who loves and reveres her own body,
With all the awe, sanctity and respect it deserves.

I LOVE YOU.

-Mom

An Experience that Healed My Obsession with Perfection

Toxic perfectionism.
This has been the topic of many recent general conference talks…
and my own private thoughts and conversations.
Whether we feel personal, social, cultural or religious pressure—
I believe that many experience a sense of frustration, intimidation,
hopelessness, or even self-loathing…
Simply because we can’t seem to fit the “ideal”.
.
I’ll save my social and cultural perspective for another day,
but at least in terms of religion—
I think the real problem is that we believe salvation is earned..
when in fact it’s granted by a merciful Father
through the divine power of His Son’s atonement.
Grace.
What does it mean?
What is Christ’s part and what is ours?
 .
I learned a powerful lesson that I hope can attempt an illustration of this principle.
 .
From the time I was a little girl, I have felt that I was richly blessed.
I had been given a wonderful family, a strong healthy body,
education, privilege, opportunity, freedom,
wealth (by most of the world’s standards),
the gospel of Jesus Christ.
What more could a person possibly want for in life?
 .
Because of this, I felt that I was indebted to God..
I owed Him. Big time.
And so I believed that if I could serve a mission for a year and a half—
It would be like writing him a big, fat check.
I’d sacrifice my life for Him,
at least for a moment,
and then I’d come home and we could call it “even”.
 .
Obviously, I didn’t understand the debt I owe..
Or the account between myself and my Heavenly Father.
 .
Once I got out on my mission..
I started to grasp that sacrificing
my time, money, talents, family, personal pursuits… life.
Wasn’t really giving up something that I “owned”
All of those things were really God’s in the first place—
That He had so generously “loaned” to me.
.
Mosiah 2:21
“I say unto you that if ye should serve him who has created you from the beginning, and is preserving you from day to day, by leading you breath, that ye may live and move and do according to your own will, and even supporting you from one moment to another—I say, if ye should serve him with all your whole souls yet ye would be unprofitable servants.”
 .
After reading this scripture,
I understood in an instant that my very breath wasn’t even my own.
All was a gift, all was a blessing, all was HIS.
 .
Immediately, I panicked.
I felt so intensely my nothingness before God.
I was giving my very best..
All of my time, talents and life to His 24/7 service.
I was closer to living the ideal than ever before in my entire life..
Yet, in that moment I saw that it was hellishly not enough.
“if ye should serve him with all your whole souls yet ye would be unprofitable servants.”
—INSUFFICIENT FUNDS—
It flashed over and over in my mind like a blaring neon sign..
My debt was even more unfathomable than I anticipated.
One that I couldn’t begin to comprehend.. let alone ever repay.
 .
I ruminated over this discovery for hours, then days.
After a few torturous nights,
I was praying and distinctly remember the words,
 .
You were never meant to pay the debt.
 Relief, peace, hope and gratitude flooded my soul.
God knew that I am completely and wholly incapable of earning exaltation..
So He sent His son.
His perfect, Holy, Only Begotten Son
to pay the insurmountable price for me.. for you. for all mankind.
The most amazing miracle of it all,
is that His grace is ENOUGH.
More than enough to cover us all—
If we will just do one simple thing..
RECEIVE.
RECEIVE the gift of His grace
by TRYING to live the gospel of Jesus Christ to the best of our abilities FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.
In other words, try hard and don’t quit..
Because then is “his grace is sufficient for all men”.
 .
The Bible dictionary explains the beautiful concept of grace.
“It is…through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins [aka the gospel], receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means. This grace is an enabling power that allows men and women to lay hold on eternal life and exaltation after they have expended their own best efforts.”
 .
I finally understood that my one big work or mission
Was not (and would not ever) be enough to secure me a spot eternally with God..
No work I could ever perform would accomplish that.
This truth was, at first, terrifying…
but then liberating.
Because it meant that I don’t have to be perfect.
If I make a mistake or slip up,
I can simply correct, repent, learn and improve..
Move onward and upward!!
No one act or work damned OR exalted me.
It is the sum total of all my tryings/strugglings/strivings
that show God my desire to receive His grace and mercy.
Those consistent efforts to imitate Christ
(whether fails or successes),
coupled with the enabling power of His grace,
ultimately, help me BECOME as God is.
 .
“With the gift of the Atonement and the strength of heaven to help us, we can improve, and the great thing about the gospel is we get credit for trying, even if we don’t always succeed.”
-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
 .
We aren’t here to pay the debt or perform perfectly,
but to learn, grow, try, repent and BECOME.
 .
So if you (like me) often feel that you don’t measure up—
Do yourself a favor and remember the words of Elder Ian S. Ardern
 .
“The Lord is easy to please, but hard to satisfy.”
 .
All the good you TRY to do pleases God immensely.
He loves you, cheers for you and is proud of you.
He is grateful and happy for your efforts—
Yet He knows your potential is far greater than you imagine.
So He invites you to use the power of His Son’s grace
(knowing we are incapable of such change on our own)
To become more than we now are.
To become as He is.
 .
Trade toxic perfectionism for hopeful determinism.
We were built to become.

Freedom Isn’t Free. Pay Your Respects.

My friend, Staff Sergeant Aaron Butler, recently lost his life fighting terror in Afghanistan.
Aaron enlisted in the military when he was just 18 years old,
He took a two year break from serving the country, to serve God as a missionary in Ghana–
Then immediately returned to his duties as a soldier.
Aaron was a patriot in every sense of the word.
He went through intensive torture and training to become an effective weapon for the United States,
Ultimately excelling into a Special Forces Green Beret.
He wholly dedicated his life to protecting one thing… FREEDOM.
.
Aaron was killed in combat just before his twenty-eighth birthday.
This young man is survived by his father, mother, six brothers, sister and fiancé.
He was a man of dedication, strength, courage, honor, discipline and faith.
He sacrificed ALL for America… and Americans.
.
A few years ago, my family had the chance to listen to Aaron share his perspective as he was undergoing intensive training.
He related an experience that will always stand as sacred in my mind.
(Because of that, I won’t share much of it..)
Essentially, after he had been tested to the most extreme physical, emotional and mental limits
—imaginable and unimaginable—
Quite literally traveling to hell and back,
He looked up and caught sight of the American flag.
With emotion in his voice, he described the “red, white and blue” as a most stunning and overwhelming sight.
It was the reason he was willing to undergo all the pain, struggle and trauma.
There was no burden too heavy, no price too high, to enlist his all in protecting that flag.
.
He relentlessly did so until his last dying breath.
Butler was brought home a most decorated and honorable soldier,
His casket adorned by the flag he gave his life for.
.
In the same breath, we have Americans, who refuse to merely STAND for the national anthem.
They proclaim no respect nor allegiance to this nation and those who have died to protect it.
I can’t begin to express the sadness this brings my soul.
When we can’t stand for the flag, we stand defeated.
No political, cultural or personal belief should ever override the fact that we are AMERICAN.
This is a truth that empowers, connects and sustains us as a nation.
When we honor the flag, we honor our great country and those who have sacrificed ALL to give us liberty.
.
We, as a people, must remember that FREEDOM ISN’T FREE.
It has cost some of the best blood the world has ever seen.
We, as a people, should be humble and grateful enough, at the very least, to STAND and respect the stars and stripes.
We, as a people, should be able to overlook our differences, assume the best of each other, and join together as “one nation, under God, indivisible”…
So that we might, in a small way, earn our privilege to “liberty and justice for all.”
.
For Aaron and all our other fallen soldiers,
Let’s be kind of Americans worth dying for.
.

A Christmas without Santa

A year ago today, I finished my service as a missionary for
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
On my long plane ride home, one consistent thought plagued my mind–

Remember.

 .

There are lots of reasons that young members of the church choose to serve missions.
For me, it had something to do with debt.

I had this sense, from the time I was a little girl, that I was very blessed.
I knew that God had given me a good life;
And I was grateful.
I wanted to share the ultimate source of my happiness and peace.
I thought that if I could devote 18 months of my time to God,
I could somehow prove the gratitude that I felt.
My service would manifest the love I had for Him–
And I could “write off” all that I owed.
After my sacrifice, we would be even.

So I volunteered.
I was assigned to share the gospel in the Philippines.
And oh, how my perspective was changed.

I’ll never forget the moment that started my shift;
It was Christmastime,
I was walking down the street, eating a cupcake.
A young boy, with round, wanting eyes and rotted teeth, ran up to me–
He stuck his hand out, asking for my treat.
I had just finished the last bite and held only the paper wrapper remains;
I regrettably told him it was all gone
And that I was so sorry…
He grabbed the empty paper and popped it, immediately, into his mouth,
Swallowing it whole.
Then his bare feet and scrawny legs ran away;
His dirty, oversized shirt, overwhelming his disappearing frame.

After the shock subsided, I recognized what desperation meant.
My heart broke and the tears came.
I couldn’t sleep that night…
Unfortunately, that wasn’t the last time I saw hunger, struggle, or suffering.
And it was difficult for me to swallow.

I started to realize that I had never comprehended the gravity of my blessings.
18 months would not be an adequate “thank you”…
I could never repay God,
Especially, since there was never any money in my account to begin with.
My very life was already given as a gift from Him,
He granted my daily breath.
I also recognized His added love, hand, and help consistently;
He had given me a body, family, knowledge, opportunity, freedom, faith, agency, mercy…
Countless treasures that I had so ignorantly overlooked.
All this, on top of my already “borrowed” life.
I suddenly knew that even an eternity of devoted service, would still land me on the left.
In the hole.
Indebted.

When this understanding came, I panicked.
I recognized my own nothingness before my Maker.
The anxiety, worthlessness, and guilt welled up inside of me…
Until, one day,
God mercifully soothed my aching soul.
The thought came to my mind,

You were never meant to pay the debt.

 .

That’s why He sent His perfect Son.
To make up the difference.
To bridge the gap.
To pay the unfathomable, insurmountable price–
For me. For you. For the whole human race.
And the most amazing miracle of all–
His grace is ENOUGH.
It is sufficient for all,
After ALL we can do.

So I found CHRISTmas in the Philippine rice-fields.

I felt God’s love for those people, like I’ve never felt during my existence.
I loved them like He did.
And I knew perfectly well that He loved them just as much as He loved me…
So why was it that I was born where I was born?
Why was it that I grew up going to Christmas parties, when this boy had never heard of Santa Claus?
Why was it that I didn’t have to wonder each day if I would eat?

I don’t yet fully understand all the reasons why…
But this much I do know,
Christ’s atonement was for us all.
We are all offered the same opportunity to come home.
To claim grace.
But the definition of “after ALL we can do” is very individual
and dependent on the given circumstances of our lives.
I will be accountable to a different degree,
because of my situation, opportunity, or blessings.

“Where much is given, much is required.”

The indebtedness that I felt was real;
But I was mistaken in thinking that a simple 18 months was sufficient to serve Him.
I owe my life to Him.
I don’t have to fight every day to survive,
So I can, and must, spend a lot more time and energy on serving His children.
It is my greatest pleasure and privilege to try to give
ALL that I am for ALL of my life…
So I’m worthy to claim His grace.
How overwhelmed and overjoyed I am–
That He already paid the debt.

Hopefully, we can all “remember” the reason for the season.
Why it is that we celebrate Christmas…
He is our greatest gift.
And we owe Him our best love, gratitude, and efforts;
This time of year, and always.

girls